On Perusing Some Old Journals

We are in the middle of some renovations at our house. What started off as a fairly straightforward replacement of some old carpeting in a couple of bedrooms has somehow blossomed into a full-on revitalization project for the entire upper floor of our home. As part of the renovations, we had to dismantle and move several pieces of furniture, one of which was an old oak desk which I had used for a short while in one of the bedrooms before my son came back home to “start over.” (We decided to wait until our son had got himself re-established before doing any work upstairs, as he was occupying one of the rooms.) It was a big heavy old desk with lots of drawers and the whole thing had to be dismantled and moved, section by section, downstairs into our family room in order to allow the upstairs renovations to proceed.

One evening last week, while sitting and reading next to the old desk, I took a notion to go through some of the drawers to throw out old files and paperwork I deemed no longer important. In the course of doing so, I happened upon several old journals of mine (one going back to the early seventies). Needless to say, upon their discovery, I just had to stop and take a sachet down memory lane, if only for a few minutes. What I discovered was not quite a shock but it did leave me in wonder at the extent of God’s love and mercy for wayward sinners, who find it so easy to run away from the one thing they most desperately need.

While many entries in my journals were harmless enough and explored ideas for articles and plays I wanted to write, or were lists of one sort or another, too many entries were concerned with “mystical” experiences, philosophical ramblings, metaphysical ruminations, recounting of lucid dreams of a distinctly other-worldly nature and that sort of thing. Being a member of the baby-boomer generation, I was also one of the original “new-age” devotees, whose spiritual life was characterized by syncretism, superstition, rampant subjectivity and a magical approach to religious matters. Journal entries dealing with subjects of Celtic Mysticism, Kaballah, Buddhism, Sufism, Numerology, Astrology, Alchemy, Neo-Platonism, Rosicrucianism and the like abound. Most of this may seem harmless enough now, but in more than one entry, I recounted incidents and dreams in which strange, magical events were taking place and in which I was interacting with entities that were definitely non-human. In one entry, dated September 4, 1989, I describe a “shaman walk” in which I came into contact and conversed with the druidic, Celtic God Cernunnos. Needless to say, as I read this entry now, I am mortified. I believe that it is possible that I was in the presence of a demonic entity. In those days I was completely lost in a world totally at odds with the God of the Bible. I believe that there was a connection between my confused inner life and my outer life which would soon fall apart because of my growing alcoholism and my lack of true spiritual sustenance. These entries record encounters and experiences that were far from harmless. They are the record of one who came perilously close to what is often euphemistically called “insanity” by those who don’t know any better; by those who themselves are caught up in the “therapeutic” paradigm of human motivation, belief and behaviour. They are the record of one who was indeed playing with fire, but who was so desperately lost, that even this bizarre counterfeit was better than the emptiness and separation of being without Christ. Seeded randomly throughout the journals are several references to Christ and the bible but almost all are from this “new age” perspective, which is nothing other than the religious garb that Humanism uses to placate the more spiritually sensitive of its disciples.

I say all this as a kind of context because, as I read entry after entry (most of which, as I say—in spite of the impression I might just have given you—were in fact quite harmless, but grossly mistaken nevertheless) I was struck by how far away I seemed to be from Christ. Paradoxically, while I seemed to be one who was truly seeking God, (I believe I was, but was nevertheless caught in the clutches of superstitious error) I was simultaneously running away from God, trying not to discover Him. What might seem to be the writing of a sincere seeker after truth and godliness was in fact nothing other than the record of one who was trying to escape the scrutiny of God; just as did Adam and Eve in the garden and as did Jonah when he refused to preach the Gospel to the people of Nineveh and ran as fast and as hard as he could away from God.

Can this be true? Does not the Bible say that no one really seeks God, that no one is really righteous, “as it is written, ‘THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE’” (Romans 3:10)? Given this, could I really be seeking, yet simultaneously not seeking God? I believe in my case that I was, because I believe that when I was just a young boy, Christ came to me during a Christmas play at church, and even then put His mark upon me; perhaps not the mark of complete salvation, but rather the mark of promise. I was like the apostle Peter whose faith, in spite of all the bravado, needed help from the Master. But I soon turned to backsliding and before I entered my teen years, left the church. I was even then in rebellion, thinking to close the door on the One who could save me from my sin. I was probably one of those described by Paul: “For even though they knew God, they did not honour Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures…. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things.” (Romans 1:21-23, 2:2). And indeed the judgment of God did fall upon me heavily. Anyone who knew me then could attest to the lost condition, the misery and the sense of hopelessness that characterized my life. I was one of those Paul describes, “But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God” (Romans 2:5). And indeed, I was storing up wrath through rebellion.

And this is what causes me to wonder greatly at the loving-kindness of God. For when I was still a sinner, he came to me again; not because of any merit in me whatsoever, but only because it was His sovereign good pleasure to do so. I am now no longer able to “think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance” (Romans 2:4) for now I know that kindness and have been made a recipient of it. This infinite patience of God for sinners is a truth that is personally overwhelming.

It is something for someone to talk about such things when they have no personal experience and therefore no real conviction of it; it is another thing altogether to be so far removed from God’s love and obedience to Him and to know, beyond doubt, that you are lost as a result. For make no mistake, the lost know their condition. Their ignorance is only superficial as Paul reminds us, “For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse” (Romans 1:20).

Yet we have a faithful and true God, who does not change and with whom “there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17). And it is because of His faithfulness and His trustworthiness that we have a hope of redemption and the salvation of even the most depraved of souls.

Later the same evening that I read through the old journals, as part of my ongoing practice I turned to the chapter in James Montgomery Boice’s commentary on Romans wherein he recounts an anecdote told by Ray Stedman, From Guilt to Glory, vol. 1, Hope for the Helpless (Portland: Multnomah Press, 1978), p. 302: “Years ago Harry A. Ironside, that great bible teacher, told a story about an older Christian who was asked to give his testimony. He told how God had sought him out and found him, how God loved him, called him, saved him, delivered him, cleansed him, and healed him—a great witness to the grace, power and glory of God. But after the meeting a rather legalistic brother took him aside and criticized his testimony, as certain of us like to do. He said, ‘I appreciated all you said about what God did for you. But you didn’t mention anything about your part in it. Salvation is really part us and part God. You should have mentioned something about your part.’ ‘Oh, yes,’ the older Christian said. ‘I apologize for that. I’m sorry. I really should have said something about my part. My part was running away, and his part was running after me until he caught me.’”

Oh, what a glorious God we have in the triune God of the Bible. Let us never cease from praising Him and offering up to Him the glory that is His due for His great loving-kindness to us, “And Isaiah is very bold and says, ‘I WAS FOUND BY THOSE WHO DID NOT SEEK ME, I BECAME MANIFEST TO THOSE WHO DID NOT ASK FOR ME.’” (Romans 10:20).

Soli Deo Gloria.